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Sunday, September 12th, 2004
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1:53 am
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call me lazy...its funny how i go from misspelled words to perfect grammer...im lazy when i type stuff from my brain..but when im trying to write something good..i change my stlye compleatly
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(give me a reason)
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1:53 am
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It's tricky when
You feel someone
Has done something
On your behalf
It's slippery when
Your sense of justice
Murmurs underneath
And is asking you:
How am I going to make it right?
With a palm full of stars
I throw them like dice
Repeatedly
I shake them like dice
And throw them on the table
Repeatedly
Repeatedly
Until the desired constellation appears
And I ask myself:
How am I going to make it right?
How am I going to make it right?
How am I going to make it right?
And you hear
How am I going to make it right?
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(give me a reason)
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| Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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5:18 am - Your sweat is salty
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4:43 am - Yee old ventin session
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im so hurt but at the same time i cant explane why...you try being with someone your sibling has been with and try to be the most understanding person...be default that makes you a prime canidate to be the most hated...unless there was and or is a mutual agreement about the person..I miss my old life..i miss the peoipel the places the things...the security....I know or at leased have been made to feel this way about shit...I hate not knowing..its like....knowledge is a clock for me...without it i go crazy...i remeber being in a cell with no view of a clock...i remember counthing in my head the time from when i last saw the time and marking shit on walls for the sun durring the day......the point is you start to do shit to help you learn.....I dont think what i do is all that bad...im supposed to be the modle person and not do what she did to me b4 she even knew me and start lookin at email accounts and shit...she says shes justifide so what makes me not?
Why is it that when i give her shit for talkin on the phone and runnin off in the fucking semi most important conversation of the day..Im insecure and shit...im not important..i was made to feel this way...I try i try to change and mold and shape myself somewhat like my brother i guess at this point cause i cant and wont be able to deal with any loss of cali in anyway..and ive allready done that in the sense that we used to talk about everything and now nothing/....i work at night...give her what i make cause i know i owe it to her emotionaly and physicaly....im trying to make this work in a time where most would say walk away...Forgive me please is what id like to tell her but i know it wont meen shit..and yeh i know her life dosnt revolve around me but it dosnt seem like im in it at times....
This is my apology for all the bullshit in the past..
this is what you need to know if we want to make it..
this is a step i took of faith and nothing less...
This is what i KNOW i want without any doubt at all..
This is what I KNOW
again you prolyy wont take it seriously...but o well then..time for us to go our seperate ways.
Im hurt and i dont know where i stand...september 11th
You know..I think im a jeleous lover..not jeleous..but its like i am so much more in love with her then what she thinks..and can possibly comprehend at this point..but are we if we keep our secrets from each other..what are we if we are lovers but not best friends.....settling..
i wont sit here and say that i compare this relationship to any others other than in the past i felt more like loved..of course if u reed this you wont understand...just like you dont seem to understand that aside from what you say and think..he is my brother...i dont know what he feels...but fuck.
This is a letter from you to me, or was it me to you?
Dear us,
Are you me, or am I you? I just can’t seem to determine anymore. We’ve become a tenuous blur, adequate for everyone, and to everyone else. Oh how we ingratiated ourselves to one another, but that was long ago. We no longer need to do so. Our cadaverous minds all think alike. That is why we are so great. Our conformity is maliciously magnificent. Occasionally there is one abstract. We do despise abstract. We can tell by the expression on their face (in that they have one) that they have a propensity for differences and are irrevocable to our glory. We call him Heresy, but he is silenced quickly, and we are better off without them. This scourge of loneliness that constantly resides, shadowing my heart is a blessing. What do we need of love? We sit here with the same immutable smiles on our faces, so we are all happy. We have no conflicts or guilt to expiate. What should I do? Where should I go if I am so content here? Maybe I’ll cry. But the tears will mean nothing next to my smile. They won’t drown my happiness, but I am drowning. This desolate coincidence we all dissipate is our salvation: If we drown, we all drown together.
Sincerely,
Yourselves.
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(1 Reason give me a reason)
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| Sunday, August 15th, 2004
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12:37 pm - the shit gets thicker
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ucantstoptherayns wify...she isnt over him..and she isnt like in love with me like i am with her..odd stuff..wasnt expecting this really...granted the profile was dated 7/20..I dont understand her ...i try to but then i get confused and shit as to what she wants..does she really want me to stay..and does she even love me ...and how many ppl was she really with b4 we got back together..i meen she came to get me but still..Yall know how to get ahold of me..i need insite..the thought of being inlove with someone who isnt like..inlove like that with you is stupid as hell....again..exept this time in mn...im lost..im not stuck..like reese..i can leave when i want..but its like when do i leave...I feel so dumb right now...this is why i didnt wanna come for reals...i can cope wtih her kids..i can cope with the town..i cant cope with someone whos still stuck on someone specialy my gf specialy if it involves me leaving my "normal" settings to do so...plus i have the feeling someones sayin allot shit behind my back..jus lil things i catch here and there in the air..u know..i dont know what..but i feel it. she wants me to help her..granted i owe her 50 for the ride....but i dont think shes tellin me everything...dont talk shit about me i dont care how mad it would make me say it to my damn face..im not reese, if you and your ppl wanna talk about me..say it to my face..for real...so many problems could be solved that way.....So yeh..????Asituation of mistrust..fallable by the only 2 or 3 or 4 people involved...Not including me..i hate this feeling i really do. con-fused-fused-con whatever..Im goin half crazy traped in this slow jam...
on some other ish....
Torn, when you need her there but shes not around
Torn, when you look in your heart and shes all you found
Torn, when you only know of one true and only love
Torn, when shes the only person that you always think of
Torn, this is how I feel because your not near
Torn, to let my feelings go but ive lost all fear
When you cross my mind my heart goes crazy
Cuz im livin life without havin my baby
This circumnstance coming to my expense
And as the days goes on my love gets more intense
Love is pain and baby im dying
Never give up cuz for you im always trying
To keep a smile, to keep you up and awake
To hold you still through the toughest earthquake
Through every ocean shore, and lake
Through every block around every bulding and wall
To keep you up on your feet when you fall
Whenever you need something all you need is one call
Wherever I am ill stop it just to keep you company
And if I had 3 wishes one would you to be lovin me
The other 2 to keep you happy with as many wishes
I wanna clean the lipstick off my cheek after your kisses
But when im torn I cant feel these inside cuz its numb
Like ive lost my ability to manage like a broken thumb
Im so torn…
....end of the other ish....
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(give me a reason)
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| Saturday, August 14th, 2004
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9:01 pm - here
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I?m here.......its nice 2 finaly be in the same bed as her....I trust her but wonder what she says about me behind my back...I guess I will get over it sooner or l8tr......
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(give me a reason)
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| Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
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10:17 pm - minnasoda pop
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| Thursday, July 15th, 2004
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2:23 pm - i wanna tell youbut i kant
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The world revolves
there's a buzz around but i got time on my hands the clock ticks
and the sun sets and rises time is on my hands For a brief moment
the world has forgotten about me
and i'm not moving at its pace i got time on my hands
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(give me a reason)
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| Sunday, July 11th, 2004
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5:16 pm
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The truth lies in all belief
Everything is one understanding
Love is composed with exotic voices
In its weakness and strength is a learn of experience
In the dance of life, we breathe in the perfection
Perfected purpose that becomes our voyage
But when you eat knowledge beyond the limits, you are unknowable
When you learn knowledge, you become wisdom
And when you become wisdom, your mind transcends into the Universe
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(give me a reason)
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| Saturday, July 10th, 2004
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3:15 pm - the art of falling for you part 2
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but this is how it ends i bring you a pocket full of posseys/ you bring the silent treatment/ and we all fall down/ my words are left abandoned/ breathlessly seeping through the floor/waiting for stranded answers/ my feet run for the door/ so i cut my legs off shin down/ so i can plead to you from my knees/ where i will beg for my self esteem why does every waking moment alone/ feels like goodbye/ and every ticking moment/ is a moment closer to your lies/ whisper sweet nothings in your ear/ you never speak tongues of much 'a do. do you? i don't have the heart to tell you/ the russian roullette words in my mind/ i gave you my heard/ when i crossed the t's and gouged my eyes/ if i drank/ i'd drink away all feeling with rememdies/ but i'm blessed with a healthy liver/ and a long-term memory/ a message in a bottle/ maybe i needed proof/ now i LIE on my face/ to hell with truth why does every waking moment alone/ feels like goodbye/ and every ticking moment/ is a moment closer to your lies/ whisper sweet nothings in your ear/ you never speak tongues of much 'a do. do you? couldn't leave a smoke signal/ left the cigarettes on the table/ wrote on a cleverly disguised napkin/ why do all the pretty girls dig your grave?/always falling for the red hair and shovels/ shouldn't have douced in that flame/ only thing i know is i'm novel/ and it never fucking rains/ so you take my name from your lips/ take your hand from my fingertips
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(give me a reason)
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3:15 pm - the art of falling for you part 1
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You were a damsel in distress/ tied down to the tracks/ derailing my train of thought/i'm not so handy with knots/while you left me tongue tied/ stumbling over cliches/ with punchlines that left black eyes/beat down and broken/i'll bleed for you this time/ you cracked my head open/ you merely cracked a smile sleep is overrated/ i want to stay awake in your eyes/ like i said/ girls dreams do come true
conscious dreams awaiting/ wanna dance circles around your lies/ in my bed/ till my sheets smell like you undress your eyes with my lips/ finish the job with my fingertips/ as our feet will co-exist/ walking along in eachothers dreams/ reminicing the times when we were kings and queens/ afraid that one breath can ruin this moment/ so i hold it till my lungs explode/ now bleeding is my 9 to 5/ so place your lips on mine/ cause breathing your air is my new high/ sleep is overrated/ i want to stay awake in your eyes/ like i said/ girls dreams do come true
conscious dreams awaiting/ wanna dance circles around your lies/ in my bed/ till my sheets smell like you set my watch 5 minutes fast/ cause your smile puts a pause on the past/ presently taking me by surprise/ where you caught my eye/ now toss it back/ because camera 2 was your best side/ if i could do it all again/ i would/ it's not that you're contagious/ i would do it twice in a single heart beat/ now isn't that outrageous
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(2 Reasons give me a reason)
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| Monday, June 28th, 2004
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1:24 pm - this is my story this is my song
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VERSE 1:
You ever felt so ugly you wanna die
try, drinkin' enough to stuff the feeling
down ya throat, sink the boat, instead ya start reelin'
off memories, dead to me, until i'm bent
Remember Decembers and what people meant
when they said I wasn't worth shit,
Took one taste and threw up, spit
my flavor out they mouth till the south looked better
to me, i'm free, used to be a trend-setter
burnin' incence to keep my mind sane,
keep searchin but contradictions like the fertile plain
surrounding me, Vegas-y, a desert of seas
Dried up, cried love and now it's three
times I knew that shit was thru
before it started, broken-hearted, no matter the new
perceptions it always comes back
to this, reminice on all the shit I lack... HOOK:
Ugly muthafuckas don't know my pain
Cuz I believe I'm sane just to have it refrain.
No one ever been as hideous as me,
and I don't give a fuck, I just gotta be
to end it rough,
Damn my man is it ever enough? VERSE 2:
No one ever told me to be all I could be
Said I would make it big, believed in lil' me
Like "you can achieve whatever you desire"
Expected me to be delinquent, called me a liar
called me a cheat, backseat muthafucka that's what I am
Ride the city bus till I'm 85 Damn
if this is life hope I die 'fore then,
and if heaven make me beautiful I don't wanna come back again.
Everyone around me so perfect it feels insane
Like i'm the only fat and ugly fucca in the game
No the video hoe that dudes will fien
for, on tour, all I want is that CREAM
Like Wu-Tang Clan, on some Shaolin stuff
cuz life as a ****** shouldn't be so rough
tryna be tough, but nothin happenin'
all I recall are people laughin'
in my face, then erase, cuz I can be replaced
Like a monkey in a cage I just needa be embraced...
(REPEAT HOOK)
the stars are there in the last part because i write for a girl named doni..and i might have her do this so it could be shorty in place of those stars...
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(2 Reasons give me a reason)
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| Saturday, June 26th, 2004
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1:06 am
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death is easy
life is fuckin' hard
but i can't imagine that i'd die
just because i couldn't stand life...
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(give me a reason)
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1:03 am
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this is how i feel at this exact moment....
for most people
love is not enough
it's a good place to start
usually, it's the preferred destination
but all that stuff in between?
that life stuff?
love ain't enough to just make it go away
that stuff hangs around
and hangs around
and eventually hangs you
whether it's thousands of miles,
wrongly placed wedding bands,
a will that won't survive a want,
too many nits to pick at
or fear
life lingers
and love generally loses
for most people
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(give me a reason)
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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11:41 am
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i jus got my cam to work....again.....broke windows so im stuck in linux.....o what fun!!....i guess running windows, slackware, and fedora core all on my laptop saved my life,...its pretty easy to break windows...bu havin a backup is nice..nice to the point where im not even worried about windows....anywho thats my lil rant for the moment..
"Some relationships are like wine...They take time to age"
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(give me a reason)
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| Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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5:58 pm - you think you know but you have no idea..
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Im board at this moment....really board....like extreamly board.......
on other random bs i just took this pic..its how i feel at this moment.  anywho so like yeh....this is a blah post
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(give me a reason)
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| Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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12:07 am - 1000 words
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word. in the beginning there was the word. in the end there will be the word. and in the middle punctuation just messed up all of this. this is what i do with my time, rather now it seems this is what my time is doing with me. sometime if i have the right frame of mine to frame minds when i write, first i'll cease breaths, so i'll be free to seize thoughts, hanging up insecurities i've met, and take mine with a hum to see what's hung is what's left. left over bent shoulders, tense moments, end over end, so begins the story of a man who grew a symmetrical face and a crooked heart. he leapt, looked second, stepped off, and came home, grown in short-strides, stuck in his way, back to her. she, some fantastic presence, fantastically presenting presents for the service of the sum of the future, bubbling at the surface of all those who dare wander, dare nurture the wonder. he looked towards once in a while once too often, as lost as those who dare wander. wondering once in a while what it all meant. meant that i see this man clearly. she appears to be seen, cloudy, shrouding the scene, there to doubt me, forecasting brainstorms, daze left undone, parting thoughts in a haze formed around a gaze warmed up to the son. i am his motion refracting her ideas bent out of shape, the distorted image hiding behind some ill-conceived picture perfect ideal. never realizing the prism bars, seeing what was sought not what was seen, the negative faded away the positives, out of focus, until i stepped back and made my way beyond the flash. flash floods bathed that touch of brilliance in their fire, gave way to sire that spark of light. watch the insight gain a hold, molding life within its sights. inciting eyes to line that match that hatched that love at first sight, at last. last nite i had a good idea, but i turned it in for a box of matches and some kerosene. today i watched the ashes fade and realized my idea had been saved. save for my legacy, let them rip down the foundation to see strength stand in shambles, fall by the side, gravity now handled, excess departs, remains a man in part, now his deadweight a mere anvil. have the remains scattered across a woman's palm and have her make a fist. bind her grip, use her touch as an urn. women have the softest skin you would ever want to die in, and i'd die for the right to shed their inhibitions. when i die i want my life validated and any parking fee disregarded. disregard the basis of inspiration. inspiration streams consciousness, toddled this mockery of nonsense and non-sequiturs, beckoning verse. inspiration is threatening yours, stationary thought that's set its ways, stretching back to mine, meeting together at yesterday. yesterday i learned not to get lost in language, but lose it all for words: them that allows form to take shape, me to take aim, we to break bread, make peace. peace arrives and there's nothing left to do but find pieces that broke off, spoken-of histories, enlisting pleas for the future. forgive what we've let pass, nevermore, then promising their kin a way out of war. if i could say one thing to the people of the future, i would tell them to have more than one thing to say. i've said too much. i don't possess much understanding of the universe, but know understanding should be an universal possession. if love was maintained, seeing what hate has possessed, then the apathy would do less damage. seeing eye-to-eye isn't requisite, but for best it insists on respecting each other's vision. affectionate lovers hold hand, spiteful rulers hold grudges, the rest of us hold our breaths, covering our eyes. i speak the reflection of an outlook and so the mirror has two voices. think, for there i'll be. remember me when i am no longer but a thought. some think to make sense and some think to make change. sometimes someone's two cents is the sum of some times since changed, now a penny for a thought towards a dime a dozen. i wonder if this is worth anything. worthwhile or worthless? worse for the wear? i wear my best intentions until they're worn away. i'm wary of the intent to out best yesterday. i live for today to die for tomorrow and take a long nap at nightfall. i want to stand at daybreak on the edge of the world and contemplate the shine of the sun and the value in the glare of the moon, and maybe once in a while open my eyes to see if it's all still there. there is much to be accomplished, less to be held, and more to be gained. gaining experience, i've fostered my inner-child and my will concedes this, leaves it so. so as i leave you with what i have left to write, i'm not sure of what came before. interpretation is open to any close-minded or free-thinking individual. all i ask is nothing more than every word that comes to mind. what comes to mine has come to find the comfort found in losing time. so i have sought to discover the position, known by others but foreign to me, where dimensions of certainty are laid to waste. and thus i have attempted to expand, not contract these attempts, contact expansively, so my actions leave accents written to be. being set in images, conjuring descriptions, permitting anecdotes to fit a page full of captions, i've set my only action left to breathe. and so i hope this serves to capture colors and objects and hold them hostage to be gazed upon by that blinking eye. this is my homage to a picture, flashing inside my skull, showing everything i've ever known, connected with a thousand words
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(give me a reason)
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12:06 am - Ok so im back
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| Friday, May 28th, 2004
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3:38 pm
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| Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
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6:48 pm - ...........We are not as others....
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Beating off at a corner market in peru
Ive never done that....no really....never...
So as time has progressed i now am taken...thats right....taken.....HA..there i said it...i just needed to get that out in the open....no onto other things....
And the price was...well...
I think it was to high...butg it depends on what price we are talking about...It has been said that journals that your partner can see can fuckk up a relationship....id have to agree...people turn it into trust issues.....but when in reality its a way to vent....to get feedback on your innermost thoughts...but the price we pay for what we think is to high sometimes......
This is how i feel you dirty bastard
just a few days ago i said i was in love with her personality but i realised that im in love with her......weird hugh....that was hard to type just cause you never know...u know...all the times its allmost slipped off my tounge....and you punk ass critics say "But how".....BU BU BU BU NOTHIN....these are the cold hard facts...im in love and i cant hide it anymore....its weird cause of the situation.....but...hey..if its ment to be its ment to be.....you know...
Rotting cheese
So i looked in me fridge and the cheese was bad...i guess i really shouldnt of bought the family size bag of shreded cheese......Im gonna start eating faster cause so far...the bread whent moldy...the ramen got stail....and the bottled watter whent bad...how does that happen....only the fridge knows......
TO REINSTATE THIS
I am in love...im happey...she makes me smile..she makes me laugh...she is smart...and i love it all.....dear journal....nevermind....
For all me fans....this journal represents another odd time in my life and now that stuffs lookin better its time for change.....new journl link will be posted soon.....
THIS JOURNAL IS NOW CLOSED
"It was the hope of all that we might be together that gives me the strength to hope impossible things"
"it was like love at first sight but i had to pass her again"
"you make me feel like a natural moron"
"a smile is so easy to have but there hard to keep"
the bayroot saga is over...
the saga contenues 2morrow....
look for the link here.....
The end.....
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(give me a reason)
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bayroot's journal